#2

I'm not that bad, you say. i just want to lose 5 pounds. 10 pounds. i'll stop at 145. 140. 135. your goal drops with your weight. 130. 125...

you read a book about an anorexic girl. you read about her methods, adopt some as your own. drink 2, 3, 4 cups of coffee a day. munch on frozen diet soda ice cubes. dip carrot sticks in mustard and call it dinner. you read about her emergency trips to the hospital, about her low blood pressure and heart murmers and teenage arthritis. you read about her reaching 62 pounds at 5'6 and nearly dying. you cut your intake to 500 calories a day. then 300. then 100, just for today, just for this week. i'm fine, you say. i'm not that bad, you say. i wont let it get that bad.

you lay in bed at night and go over every inch of skin with your hands. when you notice that your gut is smaller, there's a bigger gap between your thighs, that bone didn't stick out before, you squeel in excitement and can't stop grinning. you fall asleep on a hunger high. think, i can do this. i'm doing this. 5 more pounds. 10 more pounds. i'm just fine, you say.

~JH