T. T for try. try to understand. try to lose weight. just try. T for ten... ten more pounds i need to drop. ten more minutes i need to run, ten more calories i'm allowed to eat, or shouldn't have eaten. T for taste. the taste of food after 2 empty days. the taste of vomit, the taste of blood, the two tastes mixed into one. T for the temptation i have to resist. T for the track i have to stay on. T for the torture, the torment every day. T for how terrified i am if i fail.
H. H for heavy. H for the hate i feel towards a mirror. H for hide, hide my body, hide my thoughts, hide the food i was supposed to eat. H for the help i desperately need, H for the help i need to avoid. H for the hell inside my head. H for heartbeats, racing and skipping. H for the heartbreak that started this all.
I. I for insecure. I for insignificant. I for this illness i can't seem to cure. I for inside, keep it inside, everything inside. I for the inspiration i need to keep breathing. I for incomplete... i'm so incomplete.
N. N for the numbers filling my head. N for nothing inside my stomach. N for the nothing i have to maintain. N for not enough, not good enough. N for no. N for numb. N for never, never give up.
Thin. it's what i crave, my antidote, my last hope for survival. i live thin, i breathe thin. i think and run and sleep thin. it's everything i want to be. it consumes me. it drives me. thin is my food. thin is my dream. thin is what i'm good at. thin is the only thing i can accomplish, the only trophy i can win. thin. is. everything.
~JH
No comments:
Post a Comment