#6

The morning starts like any other morning. wake up, shower, dress, smoke. the cigarette hits you harder than usual; it always does when your stomach is empty. you drop it, half-smoked, on the snow outside your window. you move into the room and get dizzy. you sink/fall to the floor, lay there with your head spinning and think about how you're going to miss the bus. a few dizzy minutes pass and you struggle to your feet. into the hall, take the stairs one at a time, hold the wall for support. you need water. all you consumed yesterday was diet soda, beer, and smoke. your knees give out and you collapse halfway down the stairs.

everything turns to static. you hear static, see static, pressure pressure on your head, ears, eyes. you break into a coldsweat. you can't sit up or stand. it's hard to breathe.

you think about eating. just something, a piece of bread, a carrot stick. NO you don;t need food. yes no yes you do no you fucking don't you fat fuck stop stop it. water. you need water.

your mom opens the door to tell you to hurry, you'll miss the bus. she starts and stutters oh honey, ok? you ok? offers you food, say no. i need water. offers you a ride to school, say yes. sip water on the steps and watch the static clear.

2 days no food, that's the deal for making up for saturday's binge. 2 days. easy. you'll eat tomorrow tomorrow. pat yourself on the back. good girl, stay strong. hungry is strong.

~JH