#7

It's not planned this time. just eat a little, you tell yourself over and over and over. just a little, just enough. but this time, you don't plan it. it just happens.

2 egg whites. a slice of dry toast. then you lose control.

2 more slices of toast, one with jam, one with butter and brown sugar. crackers with cheese. apple pie, christmas cookies. more crackers, more cheese. gulps of milk. you can't stop. panic.

take 2 seconds to step on the scale. 141. shove, retch, cough, spit, repeat. repeat. repeat.

back on the scale. 139. strip naked. 138.

you stand leaning out the window 5 minutes later, trying to calm down. you despise yourself for eating so much, for losing control. you can feel your thighs expanding, your arms blowing up, your fat fat stomach getting fat fat fatter.

no, you tell yourself, you're ok, you threw it all up, its not inside you anymore, its ok ok ok ok you're fine breathe. just don't eat again today. it's ok, you're ok. breathe. breathe. breathe.

fat fat fucking lard pregnant enormous disgusting gross fat pig fat fat fat....

~JH